|:: after a recent trail run ::|
Ten months ago I was not in a very good place spiritually, mentally, or physically. I had deliberately restricted my food intake and over-exercised my way down to a very unreasonable size and fitness level to maintain. A place that was not at all healthy for me. I don't like to revisit my early blog posts or look at my images from that time... it makes me feel very uncomfortable and sad that I did that to myself.
I have now recovered from the disordered thoughts and behaviors that once controlled me. They are completely gone! I have learned to let go of perfectionism and the desire to over-achieve. I don't put myself down anymore. I have forgiven past hurts and given myself permission to minimize or avoid contact and relationships with people who affect me negatively, as much as possible. I am no longer a people-pleaser or even a bit concerned about what others think of me, except for God and my wonderful hubby. I truly see my worth and value and I really like myself. My body is back at its happy place and I rarely give my size anything but a positive thought.
All glory to the Lord for all of that! Those things are *huge* turnarounds from the way I was before I began my recovery journey. I never thought I would get to where I am today, and I am truly grateful.
I haven't edited or removed any of the posts I wrote in the early days of my recovery. I don't plan to. I am *not* that person anymore, but I poured so much honesty and heart and tears into those posts! And how I have changed since then, praise God. Having those old words and thoughts there will always make me feel thankful for change and brave for sharing those struggles.
But I wrote in this post that I didn't think my eating disorder was sin. I remember how I felt when I wrote that post, it was a very overwhelming time. Those particular words about sin and desiring to obtain self-love have kind of bothered me now that I have changed so much and can see things differently. Last November, I wrote these words, one week into my recovery...
And I am willing to be controversial with this thought...
I am a born-again Christian and I seek to live my life to glorify God. He is my light, my strength, my deliverer. And I do *not* think having an eating disorder is a sin. An eating disorder is not even a choice, although strangely I once thought it would be cool to have one. (It isn't cool at all.)
But let me just say it... and if I am wrong about that and it *is* a sin, God has already fully forgiven me anyway. Thank you for not judging my spiritual walk because I have an eating disorder. That is not your job, ya know? Do you hear my heart on this?
No, I am not a religious scholar. But I love God and He will *never* stop loving me.
In my recent online reading and exploring, I stumbled across so many body positive people. I. am. inspired. beyond my hopes and dreams to have that kind of self-love and self-acceptance. Oh my, I want that self-love.... right now. Underweight and bony, at the very early stages of my recovery. Whatever my body does from now on, no matter how it looks. So I claim it as my own.
*Cringe.* Praise the Lord for recovery!
I was indeed a born-again Christian then, as I am saved now and will always be saved, but the Lord has clearly shown me over the past ten months that for me - and please know that I am only speaking of my own disorder and experience - I needed to repent. I now think that while my eating disorder itself may or may not have been a sin (I really don't know... perhaps it was idolatry for me, personally? It did consume more of my thoughts and energy than the Lord did...) I would not have had the eating disorder and exercise obsession struggles that I had for years and years if I had only had a proper view of God, a proper view of myself, and a proper way of handling stress, anxiety, fear, and depression. I needed to grow as a believer!
As soon as I realized my spiritual problem, I confessed it to the Lord and I trust that I am forgiven. I discussed it with my dear hubby, the man I am happy to love and lean on. Jesus turned me around and by His grace I have never looked back.
And that self-love that I craved? No thanks. Self-acceptance and authenticity are awesome and I have those things, but self-love is not for me. I like myself, I understand my worth, but I want all of my love to go to Jesus and my big family and our animals and whoever the Lord brings into my life that needs my love.
For me, being vulnerable and opening up to the people who love me and abiding in Christ's love truly removed my need for self-love as a priority. I stopped being so self-focused. I am loved *so* much... I want to give my own love away!
I praise the Lord that it has been ten months already. And He has given me trials to get through in these past months... things I won't share on my blogs except to say that without a truly changed heart and the strength of the Lord I would *not* have gotten through them without a relapse. But I did get through them! And I continue to get through them, fully recovered. Hallelujah!
God is so good.